I’ve been writing a lot of late about the non-profit I ran of 12 years that closed.  It had a worthy mission to economically empower immigrant and refugee women through entrepreneurship and English training in the San Francisco Bay Area.  After 10 years running it, I took a sabbatical for rest and much needed time off.  Upon returning, I came back to a skeleton of an organization that was running a $50,000 deficit, all occurring while I was gone.
 
There were many narratives as to exactly why we ended up in this position.  The interim leader’s narrative ranged from ‘I was left to manage a house of cards’ to ‘the staff was not matched in the right positions for their skillsets’ to ‘our board chair wasn’t strong enough.’  Some of the Board Members’ narratives were ‘you can’t leave for 4 months and expect everything to be hunky dorey’ to ‘you left a COO in charge, not a CEO’ to ‘you didn’t share with us how much this was being run like a start-up.’  Some staff outright blamed the interim leader, some the Board.  The most corporate members of the Board blamed me, because to their mindset, the buck stops with the CEO.  Forget about any non-profit, “kumbaya” notion of shared leadership. It was a terrible time trying to stay afloat amidst a whirling sea of vastly different narratives.  As well, there was the backdrop of the recession we were in at the time, which was more fact than narrative.     
 
After having ample time to reflect, heal, do my own internal work, what became apparent to me was that I never really formed my own narrative in the process.  I listened to everyone else’s.  At one time, I had been the outreach person for this organization, the programs person, the grant writer, the major gifts fundraiser, the website developer, the bookkeeper, the computer tech person, the visionary leader.  I grew an idea I started from my bedroom desk when I was 24 years old with $1,000 into an incorporated non-profit organization with an official Board.  I was the one person with 360 degree experience of the entire enterprise.  And much like a deer in headlights, I was so caught off guard coming back to this I could not even form my own narrative.      
 
While having my own narrative was important to me in making sense of this all,  I also learned that when things go South like this, it never is about any one person’s narrative. Ask anyone and they would all have a different perspective as to the “why” of this situation based on their own life experience or values.  To them, their version IS the truth.  As a leader looking back on this, I can say the learning is that we have to take responsibility and accountability for each of our roles in leadership.  The learning is that nobody is perfect.  The learning is in believing everyone did the best they could in the given circumstances, recession and all.  Sometimes that is all we can do.  We should own up to our shortfalls versus passing the blame and trying to justify why something wasn’t our fault, or our responsibility.  We should understand we were all accountable in some way, and that for great ideas or organizations to thrive, the leadership must be shared.  
 
Going forward, I choose a no frills narrative of “what’s so. “ What’s so is I founded and ran a great non-profit, co-built together with wonderful colleagues, Board members, advisors, funders, volunteers and staff.  What’s so is I went away for a much deserved break on a Board approved sabbatical.  What’s so is the organizational leadership was not able to raise sufficient funds or effectively orchestrate the team to achieve their goals.  What’s so is upon my return, we attempted to merge the organization with a larger non-profit.  What’s so is we were unable to do so for various reasons, including the recession.  What’s so is we closed.  What’s so is I learned the lessons of a lifetime.  That’s what’s so.    

December 18, 2011
 
I’m alive and I have all my limbs so I’m trying to put the closing into perspective.  A lot has been done to dismantle the (C.E.O. Women) office.  We’ve sold most of our assets last week and this week is the final push.  The only thing is that we have no staff left – I’m the only one and so I have to manage all of the following:

• Financial management and reports to bank and funders
• Technology management - backing up of data, server
• Grants management …
• All donor correspondences/ communications
• All communications and responding to all inquiries that come in
• Brokering Grand Café for the bank
• Selling remaining assets
• Organizing all volunteers for moves
• Managing relationship with the building, scheduling final walk through etc...
• Managing relationship with the bank, scheduling final review of assets

I sent this list to my board chair and treasurer to let them know … But as it is, I’m left as the only one trying to manage the final three days of closing of the office.  People expect way too much when you are a Founder.  The good news is that I raised an extra $15,000 from foundations and donors and that the government approved our $20,000 reimbursement request so we will have enough for payroll, which will limit the board’s liability.  They were going to float a loan for payroll as well which I was happy about but now they don’t need to.  My friend and board member gave me a $1,750 (personal) loan to tide me over until we can collect on all the grants.    
 
… I have been actively trying to find a home for Grand Café in it all … because we owe the bank for our line of credit … It is a hard decision because that is nine years of work/research that went into building that asset (and $500,000) and I’m not sure what the bank will do with it at this point but I want it to land somewhere good, but I also want this to be done, so I’m torn …
 
I have been surfing which I’m glad about but skipped my Friday session down in Santa Cruz as I normally do.  I just felt like last week was intense and I couldn’t focus so much on my surfing, but I did get out on Friday and Saturday to Ocean Beach which I was really glad about.  I also started to get a lot of momentum on brown girl surf …

I am so proud of the (web) site and honestly it has been like therapy. After coming home dismantling an 12 year old non-profit I built on my back, I can work on creating something new which gives me a lot of energy.  I’m excited that I am so excited about this …
 
…  If it weren’t for surfing and brown girl surf, I’d be in bad shape I think.  But I feel calm and collected … but I just want this saga to be over with …
 
I have such a wide range of emotions regarding the board that it’s hard to make sense of them.  On the one hand, I have felt left in a lurch by them all year – only half of them fundraised and did what they could … On the other, they are my personal contacts and networks, and amazingly, not one member resigned since the crises … most of them have given or raised significant donations (totaling over $96,000) …
 
So it’s not bad for a small board … I’m glad that brown girl surf will not have one going forward.  I just want to be free from this all - free from the blame, free from the stress, free from this identity that I have held for what seems way too long.  I am Farhana and I am the Founder of C.E.O. Women, but it is not my baby and I don’t feel that way about it …
 
… It sucks being a Founder.  Your DNA is imprinted into the organization and work until the day you leave/ relinquish it but I feel trapped and not in a position to relinquish at this point.  I can’t wait until it’s all over.  I can’t wait to run with brown girl surf and it’s exciting to see it come alive …

I founded and ran a non-profit organization for 12 years with an amazing mission – helping low-income immigrant and refugee women to become entrepreneurs and learn English. After 10 years of running it, I took a needed sabbatical to reflect and rejuvenate. An interim leader led the organization in my absence. When I returned a few months later, it was operating a $50,000 deficit, the first ever deficit in the history of the organization.

As a Founder, this was devastating. It was like coming back at halftime to a 0-4 World Cup game and you’re on the losing team.

To continue reading more about bringing an innovative idea back after a big setback, check out my full post on linkedin.