Can't Change Someone? Change this Instead.

(Re-post from my 1/20/14 Surf Life Coaching blog).

Everybody has the tendency to sometimes complain about their circumstances or the people they are in relationship with.  I once read somewhere that complaints are are just unspoken requests.  But sometimes we cannot make the requests we want to make so find ourselves in the position of complaining.  What we do have the power to shift is what is within us.  Getting in touch with your ability to make these internal shifts will help the leaps you want to take in your wave of life to be all the more smoother.

For example, there is an important relationship in my life but I had a hard time with the way that particular person has related to me in the past. This person from time to time would start to accuse me of things and then would start to criticize me.  I would feel defensive and hurt.  I realized that it was holding me back in a lot of ways and making me feel bad about myself, and even eroding my self-confidence.  I decided the next time she started to criticize me, that I would not react, but I would try to understand her perspective and see if I could find some value in her words and just listen.  Rather than let her words land on my heart center and feel defensive, as she spoke I imagined them landing on the ground in the space in front of me.   I also told myself to not take it personally.   

I made the conscious decision about how I was going to react and to approach the conflict the way I would surf a wave – to just be curious, go with it and follow it.  I listened and ask questions and tried to understand and clarify the source of what was making her criticize me.  The process diffused the episode of this person and allowed me the space to speak my voice and share my perspective with them.  In the end, I didn’t change her, but changed the WAY I chose to relate to her.  It also became apparent that her episodes were more about HER feelings and the way she experienced the world vs. about me. 

I learned that when you’re trying to move forward and you feel something or someone is holding you back, it’s easier to shift something within you, rather than change someone or try to change your circumstances.  You have far more control over changing YOU first .  This has been a critical lesson for me in leaping into the unknowns of life, not knowing what you might face.  Having the muscle to flow in and out of conflict and shift your RESPONSE to what is happening will make you all the more prepared to take your leap in life, whatever it may be.