The Things I Never Shared

Amine Nader Photography

Journal Excerpt: The Fall of C.E.O. Women, The Start of brown girl surf
 
December 18, 2011
 
I’m alive and I have all my limbs so I’m trying to put the closing into perspective.  A lot has been done to dismantle the (C.E.O. Women) office.  We’ve sold most of our assets last week and this week is the final push.  The only thing is that we have no staff left – I’m the only one and so I have to manage all of the following:

• Financial management and reports to bank and funders
• Technology management - backing up of data, server
• Grants management …
• All donor correspondences/ communications
  
• All communications and responding to all inquiries that come in
• Brokering Grand Café for the bank
• Selling remaining assets
• Organizing all volunteers for moves
• Managing relationship with the building, scheduling final walk through etc...
• Managing relationship with the bank, scheduling final review of assets
  

I sent this list to my board chair and treasurer to let them know … But as it is, I’m left as the only one trying to manage the final three days of closing of the office.  People expect way too much when you are a Founder.  The good news is that I raised an extra $15,000 from foundations and donors and that the government approved our $20,000 reimbursement request so we will have enough for payroll, which will limit the board’s liability.  They were going to float a loan for payroll as well which I was happy about but now they don’t need to.  My friend and board member gave me a $1,750 (personal) loan to tide me over until we can collect on all the grants.    
 
… I have been actively trying to find a home for Grand Café in it all … because we owe the bank for our line of credit … It is a hard decision because that is nine years of work/research that went into building that asset (and $500,000) and I’m not sure what the bank will do with it at this point but I want it to land somewhere good, but I also want this to be done, so I’m torn …
 
I have been surfing which I’m glad about but skipped my Friday session down in Santa Cruz as I normally do.  I just felt like last week was intense and I couldn’t focus so much on my surfing, but I did get out on Friday and Saturday to Ocean Beach which I was really glad about.  I also started to get a lot of momentum on brown girl surf …

I am so proud of the (web) site and honestly it has been like therapy. After coming home dismantling an 11 year old non-profit I built on my back, I can work on creating something new which gives me a lot of energy.  I’m excited that I am so excited about this …
 
…  If it weren’t for surfing and brown girl surf, I’d be in bad shape I think.  But I feel calm and collected … but I just want this saga to be over with …
 
I have such a wide range of emotions regarding the board that it’s hard to make sense of them.  On the one hand, I have felt left in a lurch by them all year – only half of them fundraised and did what they could … On the other, they are my personal contacts and networks, and amazingly, not one member resigned since the crises … most of them have given or raised significant donations (totaling over $96,000) …
 
So it’s not bad for a small board … I’m glad that brown girl surf will not have one going forward.  I just want to be free from this all - free from the blame, free from the stress, free from this identity that I have held for what seems way too long.  I am Farhana and I am the Founder of C.E.O. Women, but it is not my baby and I don’t feel that way about it …
 
… It sucks being a Founder.  Your DNA is imprinted into the organization and work until the day you leave/ relinquish it but I feel trapped and not in a position to relinquish at this point.  I can’t wait until it’s all over.  I can’t wait to run with brown girl surf and it’s exciting to see it come alive …